Nurture Principles

Perhaps the voice sounds like own, or like the deep cigar-coated roar of your father, or the sticky sweet tone of your grandmother, calling to you from the front porch. Our inner critics can take on many intonations, but their underlying message is usually the same: You’re not good enough.

Our inner critics are those insidious villains lurking inside our minds, the ones that are always trying to deter us from our most genuine selves.

You’ll never be able to finish that book you started. Just give up now.

You’ve never kept the weight off before. What makes you think this time is different?

You’re not working as hard as your sister. No wonder she’s so much more successful.

You could run faster if you didn’t always pig out on dessert.

Your ideas are garbage. Put your hand down.

Don’t want you just want to tell Inner Critic (IC for short… we are that close) to shut the hell up? Unfortunately many of us find standing up to our IC as challenging as standing up to, well, our most despised enemy. That’s usually because we’ve internalized our IC. We see him as part of ourselves, intimately and inextricably linked to our core being.

Where did he come from?

Believe it or not, IC was initially your friend. But just like Susie Parker who stabbed you in the back and stole your boyfriend in the seventh grade, somewhere along the way the relationship became toxic.

The ever-famous Dr. Freud describes humans as starting off as all “id” – whiny little brats demanding what we want, when we want it. What psychodynamic theorists would call our “super-ego,” the IC develops to protect us from these uncontrolled impulses (i.e.  If we kept hitting our brother over the head with a baseball bat, that probably wouldn’t be all too good for society. Or his cognitive functioning).

Our ICs offer those gentle reminders to step away from the candy jar before Mom yells at us and to share our toys with the our classmates. IC wants us to be liked and stay safe. But for some of us, the IC starts to evolve into a jealous boyfriend, one who starts to nitpick everything we do and make us feel shameful when we respect our natural impulses. He questions your every move and makes you doubt your skills. Over time, IC becomes a 100% genuine jerk who doesn’t let you leave the house without asking permission. At that point, it’s time to kick him to the curb.

How do I get rid of him?

Characterize your IC. I painted my IC as the nasty boyfriend, but you can portray yours in a thousand different ways. The nagging mother who constantly gets on you about your house. The annoying neighbor who is always pointing out the edges you missed. Or even the angry nun who berates your cursive handwriting. The point is to separate the IC from your self and your own voice. As much as you have internalized the messages, he/she/it is not you.

Sit down and have a good, long talk with him. Let your IC know that you’ve had a change of heart and really don’t think this relationship is going anywhere. You’ve appreciated his help in getting you through diapers, but it’s really looking like it might be time to move on. You don’t need his constant ridicule in your life and frankly, you can do better.

Armor yourself. Sometimes that IC just won’t take no (or “yes”) for an answer. So it’s your responsibility to armor yourself with affirmations of your own strength. One of my favorite inspirational authors, SARK, says that she deals with The Pusher (her name for her IC) by making little signs that say “Yes!” and posting them all over her house, even while The Pusher screams “No!”

If you’re still struggling with that nasty little bugger, it might be time to call in the troops and seek some additional support. You can check out support groups in your area or schedule an appointment with a mental health professional.

By: Ashley Solomon, Psy. D, guest blogger

Blog: www.nourishingthesoul.com

Twitter: @nourishthesoul