Nurture Principles

By:Emilie Littlehales

I’ve spent a fair amount of time recently thinking on and off about what it means to be in recovery from an eating disorder.  There are days when I feel like maybe my ED is behind me.  At other times, I feel like I’m still in the throes of it.  And if every ED is different, is recovery just as variable?

The expression “having an ED” is, in and of itself, about as complex as the term “recovery”.  It creates a distance between the patient and the illness; the disorder becomes a possession, as though one could choose to just give it up one day in the same way one might part with a thread-bare sweater.  There’s something about this way of putting things that’s empowering.  After all, I sometimes get myself through difficult times with the following mantra: “I am not my ED, I am not my ED, I am not my ED…”  Reminding myself that my illness neither owns me nor defines who I am can help me to regain my focus when I feel like I’m floundering.  At the same time, though, “having an ED” can be empowering in a different way because, just like the ED, it gives the patient the impression that she or he is in control, and in possession of something special that no one can take away.  In this way, even though one can be separate from one’s ED (as opposed to having a definitional relationship to it, of the type that could develop out of saying, “I am depressed”), one can still be subject to it.

The eating disorder is, at its core, a disorder of power.  I started restricting the amount of food I ate because I wanted control over things, and everyone I have spoken to about their ED has a similar story.  The problem is that the power that accompanies the ED is entirely illusory.  At no point while I was actively restricting could I have said, “I have an eating disorder; I have control over the situation I’m in; I have confidence that things will work out; I have a solution to this problem…”  Instead, I would have sounded more like this, “I have an eating disorder; I have a fear of food; I have an intense anxiety about grocery stores; I have an inability to see food as something that nourishes and helps my body; I have an unhealthy relationship with my body; etc.”

Interestingly, the statement “I am in recovery” is a definitional one.  What does this mean?  Well, for one thing, it means that it doesn’t necessarily conflict with having an ED.  I can define myself as being in recovery while still possessing my eating disorder.  For another thing, it means that it can be built upon, serving as a foundation that supports the construction of a new identity, an identity that is separate from the ED.  And finally, it indicates movement forward, activity, and growth.

So while I may still have to say, “I have an eating disorder”, I can also say, “I am in recovery; I am working on the relationship I have with my body; I am becoming a strong person; I am eating; I am fighting; I am putting myself first and embracing who I am; I am not going to lose this battle.”

Anais Nin said, “Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through.  Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it.”  While I doubt she was talking about eating disorders, I do think the words she uses could be applied to the relationship between having an ED and being in recovery.  Let us consider the recovery process as a process of becoming, even if that means that we must move forward with the same possessions we have now; let us not elect to remain in the state of having an eating disorder.  Remaining here is, to Anais Nin, “a kind of death.”  Let us choose life.

Bio: Emilie Littlehales is an avid runner and yogini, and has been in treatment for her ED for almost a year and a half.  She blogs daily at www.icametorun.com, and recently started Embrace:Me, a movement designed to promote body confidence and positivity.  She lives in New York City with her fiancé, Nat.