Nurture Principles

I’ve been dreading writing this post because it’s so much more difficult to write about the times where things are tough.  For the past couple of weeks I’ve been inconsistent with my eating and have not been working out.  I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with everything I need to do and frustrated with what I haven’t been doing.  I don’t know what happened, but I let myself slack off while my grandmother was visiting, and I never picked things back up again.  Per my last visit/call with Rebecca, she suggested I break down what’s going on right now.  What’s overwhelming?  How do I push through these issues?  So, here we go.

Exercise

I finally got my walking boot off about a week and a half ago.  For now, I have to “take it easy” and get myself back into everyday activities.  By the end of the month, I’m supposed to be able to get back on the elliptical.  After getting off the boot, my trainer Mo suggested that I run a 5K by the end of August, which seems like a great idea.  I think it gives me enough time to train and be able to run the whole thing.  I know I’m perfectly capable of walking a 5K, but I only want to sign up for one if I’m going to be able to run it.  I’m interested in starting the Couch to 5K program on June 1.  This is a good plan to have, but the overwhelming part comes in what else do I do on the days when I’m not “training.”  Do I swim?  Right now, despite the fact that I enjoy being in the pool, until I quit smoking, I’m not going to be able to swim as exercise.  I just can’t hold my breath enough.  So, do I start another water aerobics class?  Do I get on the elliptical and do some weights?  I’m unfortunately letting myself get overwhelmed by all of the options for exercise, when I need to just start and do something.  Just do something.  So, tomorrow morning, I am going to wake up, walk on the treadmill for 30 minutes, and do a set of weights given to me by Mo.  Thursday morning, the same thing.  Friday morning, work out with Mo.  Over the weekend, hopefully the weather will be nice enough and I can get outside for some nice long walks.  My goal is to work out, in some way, five times over the next week.

Eating well

The last time I met with Rebecca in person, I walked in thinking that I had been doing so well with my eating habits.  I’d been meeting my calorie goals, and feeling satisfied.  I was no where near perfect, but was feeling good.  However, despite the lower calories, I was still putting things in my body that I didn’t need.  And it took Rebecca to point that out to me.  I didn’t like it.  I cried.  And I whined.  And I listened to what she had to say.  Processed foods like Baked Ruffles, while tasty and low-calorie, were really not things that my body needed.  But it’s still overwhelming.  Rebecca said to throw away all of the processed foods.  Try something new.  The post on Spring Quinoa Salad, was something new.  I needed to push myself and I found that to be really scary.  But seriously, what is there to be scared of?  Trying a healthy food and enjoying it?  Seems like a pretty ridiculous fear when I say it out loud.  But overwhelming is what it really is.  There are so many healthy foods out there, but where to start?  I can easily throw away the processed foods.  But what do I eat to replace those?  While I don’t what to feel restricted, I want to make sure that what I’m putting in my body are foods that it needs.  So, I’m working on it.  Last week, I made another quinoa salad and added in some extra vegetables and enjoyed it.  I’ve got to experiment with new foods.  And tonight I did that by making a tabbouleh with bulgur wheat for lunch this week, which I will pair with a piece of fish.  It’s going to be a constant challenge.

I hate to admit this, but I’ve really just been wanting to give up, say screw it, and just keep living life as I always have.  I’ve been feeling like maybe I’m not someone who finishes things.  Maybe I’m someone who starts things and does not see them through to the end.  But I don’t want to be a quitter.  I don’t want to give up.  I want to push through and only way that I can push through and keep going is to take it one decision at a time.  One day at a time might be too much for me right now.  It’s going to be each little decision that is going to add up to overall changes.  But even as I say these things, the truth is that I don’t feel confident in my abilities.  And I don’t know why I keep making bad choices. I do know what I need to do in order to be healthy, but why don’t I do it?.  I just keep waiting for that epiphany moment where everything is going to click and I’m going to start really taking care of myself.

The only thing I can do right now is my best to make better decisions one decision at a time.  And hopefully the more I do that, those decisions will become easier, and I’ll start making changes that are for life.  Not just for losing weight.

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I’m not sure where I found this recipe, so my apologies for not sourcing it. I also altered it a bit. I made this last week for lunch and have been really enjoying it with a handful of greens and a serving of lean protein. Enjoy!

Spring Quinoa Salad

Makes about 8 (1 cup) servings

1/3 cup plus 2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice

1/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons minced red onion

3/4 teaspoon salt

2 cups water

2 cups low-sodium chicken broth

2 cups quinoa, rinsed

1 large cucumber, peeled, seeded, and finely chopped

2 celery stalks, finely chopped

1 large bell pepper (I used orange for some color)

1 can garbanzo beans, rinsed

Instructions

Stir together lemon juice, onion, and salt in a small bowl, set aside.

Bring water to a boil in a medium saucepan.  Add quinoa and reduce heat to low; cover and gently simmer until tender, about 15 minutes.  Drain any excess water.  Spread quinoa on a baking sheet to cool.

Transfer cooled quinoa to a serving bowl.  Add cucumber, celery, bell pepper, garbanzo beans, and lemon juice mixture, and pepper to taste; toss to combine.

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My grandmother, Honey, is here to visit for Easter:

Unfortunately, everything we do is centered around food.  She can’t walk very much, has a cane, and a portable oxygen tank.  I’m doing the best I can to be aware of my fullness and not eat just to eat, but it’s hard to deny that my grandmother is the person who gave me a lot of the bad habits and feelings about food that I have had all my life.  Don’t get wrong, I love my Honey more than anything, and I grew up spending a lot of time with her.  But to give you an idea of how she feels about food, let me tell you a story from Easter lunch yesterday.  We had a delicious lunch–I tried to keep it healthy starting with a salad and finishing with grilled fish.  I feel like I hadn’t had a lot of veggies in the past few days, so the salad was key.  Anyway, enough about me.  Honey had her lunch of grilled tenderloin, cornbread stuffing, and carrots.  She hadn’t quite finished her food, but said she was full.  She wanted to bring it home with her, but I told her she shouldn’t as there wasn’t going to really be any time to eat the leftovers.  So, she proceeded to keep eating.  Can’t waste the food!  I was in shock.  I had to tell her to stop eating if she was full.  It was such an eye-opening experience.

Honey is going to be here until tomorrow afternoon, and we of course have a few more meals ahead of us.  Again, if I could think of other things to do, I would.  But I know what my grandmother likes, and it is very important to me that she is happy and enjoying herself.  This may not be the best attitude for my journey and for my health, but I don’t know how many more trips like this she’ll have, so I want to make the most of it.  I’ll start putting myself first again on Wednesday.

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During my journey (I can’t help it–journey is now coming naturally.  Probably watching too much Biggest Loser.) I’ve learned some things that continue to surprise me each day.

• I eat a banana every weekday as I’m walking to the bus.  This was an easy change and I’m glad I did it.  I need to work on eating my bananas on the weekend.
• I’m really enjoying water aerobics.  I’d never go so far as to say that I’m thankful for my achilles injury, but I’m glad that it made me try something new.  I’ve signed up for a swim class as well because I want to be more comfortable at the pool.  I’m just so excited to find a workout that I really enjoy and look forward to.
• It amazes me every day to see how little food and how few calories I need to be satisfied.  It is getting much easier to stick to a 2,000 calorie diet and that encourages me.  Sometimes I do not get as many fruits and vegetables as I need for the day, and it’s a constant challenge.  I feel like I’m always trying to balance getting enough veggies, sticking to the calories I need, and being satisfied.  I know that feeling deprived will not help my situation and could cause me to eat more of something my body doesn’t need.  So, I’m going to keep trying, and I don’t expect to be perfect every day, but I do expect to put forth the effort to keep listening to what my body needs.
• And the biggest shocker of all–it has been so much easier than I ever expected to refrain from drinking.  About 9 months ago my dietician, Rebecca, and my trainer, Mo, approached me about my alcohol intake.  It was kind of a mini-intervention because it was clearly impeding my weight loss.  And it was a shocker.  It wasn’t what I wanted to hear and it wasn’t something I was ready to deal with.  But now, I can go weeks at a time without drinking.  I can go out to dinner and I don’t need to drink.  I don’t think I’m quite ready to hit up a bar for happy hour because I’m not sure how strong I will be in that situation.  But I would prefer to skip happy hour and not tempt myself yet.  This isn’t to say that I’ll never drink again, but I think this is a big obstacle I’m tackling and I’m really proud of the progress I’ve made.

In terms of progress, as expected, having been in a walking boot for a month, weight loss has been a little slow.  But as of now, I have managed to lose 12 13.2 lbs since I began blogging.  I’m happy with slow and steady progress, and I can see myself getting stronger everyday.  Hopefully I’ll only have two more weeks in the boot and it’ll be guns blazing from then on!

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Sorry it’s been so long folks. I feel like I have 800 things to talk about, but let me just catch you up on the last couple weeks.  First, I had a birthday.  And as I have mentioned before I really struggle with my birthday, and I had high hopes that this year would be different.  Unfortunately, I let the same mentality take over and I ended up overdoing it.  I probably did not feel as guilty as I should have about overdoing it, but it did lead me to challenge myself further this week (with a lot of guidance from Rebecca).  I grew up in a family where birthdays are EVERYTHING.  The most important day of the year.  You are supposed to have cake and food and flowers and presents and anything you want.  So, it’s a really difficult mentality to get out of.  On a positive note, per my friend Doug, I didn’t cry this year!  But all joking aside, this idea of giving myself a “break” from self-care because it’s my birthday, or I’m on vacation, or it’s a special occasion, etc. needs to stop.  An ongoing struggle, but something I’ll keep trying to work on.

Second–I’m still struggling with working out.  Especially being in my walking boot:

(really just an excuse to post a picture of me after my birthday dinner)

But I am still working out with my trainer, Mo, once a week doing everything we can that allows me to heal while still getting in a workout.  I’m pretty sure I’m going to have some serious Michelle Obama arms at the end of my six weeks in the boot.  I also started a water aerobics class last week.  I really enjoyed the class, and I plan to sign up for a swim class so that I can get better at swimming as a cardio workout.  Honestly, I find the pool a bit intimidating right now, but I think with more water aerobics, I’ll start to feel more comfortable.

Last week I had a pretty tough session with Rebecca, but it was extremely helpful.  She gave me some great goals to get back on track which include the following:

• No alcohol at all for the week.
• No eating out for the week.
• Working out seven times this week.
• No bashing my body for the sake of humor.

I’m almost at the end of my week, and so far, I’ve done well.  I’ve missed one workout, and no excuses, I did not make time for a workout yesterday.  But there has been no drinking, and I haven’t eaten one meal out.  This meant having to cancel/not participate in certain plans, but I knew that it was the best thing for me to do.  Tonight I almost skipped my workout, and was thinking of excuses as to why.  But there wasn’t one decent excuse for skipping another workout.  Nothing was more important than getting my ass downstairs and lifting weights for 30 minutes.  So I did it.  My arms feel like jelly right now, but I’m really proud of myself. I think these are admirable and challenging goals, and the more I work at them, the more they will become true lifestyle changes.

On a closing note, I’d like to share a little story from this week that really made me feel great.  There was a dinner at my boss KK’s house on Friday night to celebrate my other boss BM’s nuptials.  The last time there was a dinner at KK’s house I drank an unlimited amount of wine, and had a nasty hangover the next day.  Not this time.  Only thing I drank was water.  And I was so excited because KK noticed.  Before I left her house she gave me a big hug, told me how proud she was of me, and that she’s noticed how hard I’m working.  This morning when I went in to work, she again mentioned how proud she was of me, and that she would do anything to help me out.  KK and BM have been extremely supportive of my efforts, including letting me work a flexible schedule so that I can attend water aerobics, and just offering encouraging words.  It makes a huge difference to know that I have support not only from my friends but at work as well.

There are other things I want to talk about, and I hope to get better about posting.  I have these thoughts all the time regarding my journey, and I know y’all are dying to hear them.  But for now, I have to wash the dishes.  Priorities folks.

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First, the really good news. Since I started blogging on January 27th, I’ve lost 10.4 pounds! I’m pretty excited about that.  And I think I had a pretty good week, especially considering I had an out of town guest and was sporting a bit of an injury (more on that later).  I kept my calorie counts low, but did not hit my 2,000 mark every day.  I only had wine on one night (with my out of town guest), and I really worked on mindful eating.  Couple of highlights:

• Walked two miles to dinner one night to get in some exercise.
• Went on a bike ride for the first time in years and really liked it.  Looking forward to trying it again.
• Went out to dinner a few times and was very aware of my fullness.  This meant stopping eating when I knew I was satisfied whereas normally I would have cleaned my plate just because I was out to dinner.  I also made better choices in terms of my ordering, and worked hard to avoid ordering dishes that I knew my body did not need.

Overall, I consider it a good week.  Thanks to my guest James for being really encouraging and supportive.  We had a hard time coming up with things to do that didn’t involve food are drinking and in the end we just ended up relaxing and enjoying each others company.  And isn’t that what a visit with friends is all about?

Now for the bad news.  I have a partial tear of my Achilles and will be in a walking boot for the next six weeks.  Honestly, I was pretty upset about this as I can’t do a lot of the exercises I need to do:  walking on a treadmill or for long distances, get on the elliptical, ride a stationary bike, etc.  However, I think it is telling that I didn’t say, “Oh well!  Guess I can’t exercise for the next 6 weeks.”  I was genuinely upset and I think that shows that I’m growing and changing.  Thankfully, my trainer Mo is awesome (and also coming off 6 weeks in a walking boot) and she’s going to work with me on some alternative exercises.  We had a training session yesterday, and she definitely managed to get my heart rate up without any of the leg exercises I’m not able to do.  I’m also going to try swimming and water aerobics.

As much as I want to say this sucks, I’m going to give up, I’m not going to do that.  I’ve worked too hard in the past month and a half to just throw in the towel now.  This is going to force me to really focus on what I’m eating, and how many calories I’m putting in my body.  And it’s going to force me to try some new things.  I’m still a little worried, but not depressed like I was when I found out.  I may not be able to hit 85,000 steps a week, but it doesn’t mean I’m going to give up.  It’s just not worth it.

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After a couple of not so great weeks, and one rough weekend I’m feeling much better.  The best thing I can do is learn from my mistakes and move forward.  Yesterday morning I woke up and felt good.  It didn’t matter what the scale said.  I had a great workout with my trainer, had stocked up the night before on veggies and fruit, and made a pot of healthy chili in my slow cooker overnight.

While I know it is beneficial to think about the mistakes I’ve made, and figure out why I made the choices I made, there’s no need to dwell on things and bring myself down.  I think writing the blog post about the weekend was a good decision because it really made me think about my behavior.  I’ve been on a never-ending cycle of drinking and feeling bad the next day, and at some point, it has to stop.  I know that I can have fun without drinking copious amounts of alcohol, but for me it’s a matter of truly believing it.  And the only way I will believe it is if I keep saying no to nights like Saturday.

So, what am I going to do moving forward?  So far, I’ve had two dinners out with friends this week, and I said no to drinking.  I walked to each of those dinners (one was almost a 2 mile walk!!) and I feel great about it.  And in a big change from my last 10 or so years, I have decided not to have a birthday party at a bar this year.  My birthday is March 21st, and I like to do something with my friends the weekend before.  And this year I’ve decided to go to dinner.  That’s it.  As I said to Rebecca yesterday, it’s not going to kill me if I don’t have some big boozefest for my birthday.  The important thing is to be with the people that I care about.  This isn’t to say I’m not going to have a few glasses of wine, but I really need to keep hammering home this idea that I don’t need to drink to have fun.  It will be a challenge, but I’m ready.

I’m happy to report that as of this morning I’m down 1.6 pounds on the scale.  And that is enough for me given the setbacks of the last few weeks.  Moving forward, I’m going to keep trying everything I’ve been working on for the past 5 weeks.  The biggest goals are getting on a continuous workout schedule and continuing to say no to alcohol.

Thanks to everyone for their awesome support–it means the world.  The circle of friends that read this blog and continue to support my decisions make it less difficult to keep moving forward.  They are the people that encourage me everyday and make sure that I’m staying on track.  I started doing this because I knew that I needed some accountability in order to make changes, and knowing that I have them to lean on makes all the difference.

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I was having a great day yesterday.  Brunch with friends, some furniture shopping, and lots of walking.  I had dinner plans last night, and things sort of spiraled out of control.  After a good dinner where I ate moderately and had a few glasses of wine, I went back to my friends’ house and had a few more glasses of wine.  And then I ended up going out to a bar and had at least four more drinks.  As I’ve mentioned before, drinking is a real weakness for me.  Last night I went out drinking for two reasons that I can identify.

First, I drank because someone I consider “cool” asked me to go out drinking with him.  I should have gone home.  I didn’t need anymore to drink.  I needed to exercise and take care of things today.  It all goes back to self-esteem for me.  And I feel like I’m in high school when I say that I went out drinking simply because one of the “cool kids” asked me to.

Second, in a vicious cycle that I can’t seem to break, when I go out drinking, I go out looking for guys.  Despite all logic and reason, when I’m out in a social setting, and I’ve been drinking, I start looking for a guy to make me feel better about myself.  And this usually means taking someone home with me and never seeing them again.  However, in the back of my head, I have this little spark of hope that maybe I’ll meet someone that I could start dating.  There is so much more behind this way of thinking and these actions, that I’ll continue to re-visit in other postings.  I mention this not because I met someone last night, but I went out and stayed out because the possibility of meeting someone was there.

What I want to talk about is how that night of drinking affected me today.  I’m not hungover, but I feel like I’m absolutely paralyzed by depression today.  I haven’t left my apartment.  I’ve ignored phone calls and voicemails.  I haven’t exercised.  And I’ve eaten very poorly.  I’m just so very disappointed in myself for the poor choices I made last night.  The worst part is that I’m sabotaging my health, making things more difficult, and I can’t figure out how to break the cycle.  I know that the only thing I can do at this point is wake up tomorrow morning, and make healthy choices.  I just can’t help but feeling like the bad choices I made last night might have sabotaged my week.

I guess the point of this post is to get out these feelings of frustration, depression, and self-hatred.  I’m just sad, and can’t wait to go to bed and forget this weekend even happened.  And I know I’m making things out to sound much worse than they are.  For those people who know me, I was downright tame last night.  It wasn’t that I did anything “bad,” it’s more that I’m upset by the choices I made.  I did not choose to be healthy.  I chose to be cool.  I chose to take the easy road, and not say sorry guys, but I’m really not drinking right now and I should go home.  I just look forward to the day where I love myself enough to not care what a “cool kid” thinks and make the choices that truly are the best for me.

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Not going to lie folks–I’m kind of cranky today.  Not because of anything in particular, just one of those days.  But wanted to give a quick report on last week before I get in bed to finish reading The Girl Who Played With Fire.  Honestly, I’m a little disappointed (not in the book).  There was no movement on the scale this past week, and I know that something I need to work on is not letting the scale be an indicator of how well I’m doing on my journey.  The reason I’m disappointed is because I know I did poorly last week.  I totally gave in to some emotional eating on Friday night.  No reason for it.  I just did it.  I missed my 85,000 steps goal by 4,767 steps.  And I just ate things that I know I didn’t need–unhealthy Thai food, chocolate cake, huevos rancheros.  I don’t want to say that I felt like I gave up, but for a small amount of time, I almost felt that way.

HOWEVER, no one wants to listen to a whiner.  So let me give you some positives.  I worked out at least four times in the past week, I was pretty active over the weekend–getting in a lot more walking than I normally do, I tried something new for breakfast, and I went another week without drinking alcohol.  These are all big things for me and I need to give myself some credit.  I know that I had more energy over the weekend, which is a big change for me.  What a difference not going out boozing on Friday night makes!

So, no point in getting down in the dumps.  At least I didn’t gain weight!  And again, the scale is not the only thing I should focus on, and this will be an ongoing battle for me.  This is a new week, and the best thing I can do is look forward to it, and fight to do the things my body needs.  I’m setting the 85,000 step goal again.  Refocusing efforts on my food journaling, and better eating.  Trying again to avoid sweets.  A lot of the same things I’ve been working on for the past month.  While it may seem tiresome, these are things I really want to get under my belt.  I want it to be second nature that I reach for an apple for an afternoon snack, as opposed to that slice of chocolate cake.  I want it to be the exception that I get that ham, egg, and cheese sandwich in the morning.  And the only way to make these permanent changes is to keep working at it.  And hey, clearly, the changes are working.  Since I’ve started doing this I have lost 6.4 lbs, and that’s something.

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By Carlene Helble

Scenario: I am submiting a photo of myself, paying an entry fee and signing a waiver. I am hoping the judges score me high enough in apperance based categories, like swim-wear, so I can be crowned.

Question: Is it okay for me to be judged based on my weight?

Beauty pagents can cause quite the stir of emotions. It’s a topic some feel strongly about and each person is entitled to their own opinion. I am not a pagent hater. Some of the women who compete do amazing things for their community (eg. eating disorder awareness) and if we are being honest, I like the dresses too. I do  believe that placing society’s unhealthy view of thin-obsessed-beauty over health is wrong. I also believe that if you’re signing up to be judged, you deserve to be judged.

Beauty pageants play an interesting role adding to how the public defines ‘attractiveness’ by ranking women’s worth based on physicality. Pagents are a business and are not obligated to select healthy women to be crowned. When you’re told that beautiful is thin, that beautiful is a sub healthy BMI…are you obligated to believe it?

The San Antonio pagent website defines itself as ’a scholarship program competing in the American Beauties system’.  In the past month there has been a weighty issue in Texas. Miss San Antonio lost her crown because she gained weight and now she’s suing. So a scholarship program it may be, but as the website defines, it is clearly based on appearance.

Okay, shocking headline aside: Miss San Antonio also failed to attend events and when she did, she brought her boyfriend (against her contract). The pageant staff did admit weight was one reason she was let go, but like skipping events, it was part of the signed contract.  A broken contract is just that. Miss San Antonio could have, and should have, said no to signing a weight based stipulation. If she didn’t agree she should have hired her lawyer to change the contract (Wouldn’t that have made a great story?). And at age 17, where were her parents supporting health and wellness over an unhealthy number?

So how much weight did she gain? Miss San Antonio was 5’8″ and 129 pounds, which is not remotely ‘heavy’. In reality it is on the low end of the healthy BMI range. This girl was healthy. A pageant spokeswoman told ABC that she advised Miss San Antonio to get on an exercise program and train for the Miss Texas competition. “I said, you know, ‘Get off the tacos, get off the chips and the soda.’”. I don’t agree with the pageant staff but if it was in the contract, legality dupes opinion.

Our society’s view of beauty needs lots of  help. How you feel about your body and what it does for you is way more important than the number on your dress tag. No one is making you sign up for a judgement of apperance and if you sign a contract, know what you’re agreeing to. You have the right to say no. You have the right to define beauty however you want. And you don’t need a crown to be a winner.

What the San Antonio story shows is how we need to teach younger generations to stand up to the public’s view of ‘beauty’ in favor of health. If Miss San Antonio knew she was in shape and knew she was beautiful at her weight, would she have stood up to the weight stipulation? Take action by doing your part to start a change. Tell a young woman in your life that she is healthy and awesome.

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